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NJ is the best state, based on population density

New Jersey is the best state ever.  This isn’t an opinion…it’s a quantitatively provable fact, as it has a population density of over 1200 people per square mile.  Of all the US states, NJ ranks the highest in this statistic. Simply put, more people choose to cram themselves into every square mile of NJ than they do in any other state. 

I use the word “choose” because NJ is an expensive state to live in, so you won’t find people living here just because it’s cheap and they can’t afford to move elsewhere. (I’m looking at you, people from Mississippi.) Quite the contrary…people pay a premium to stay. They wouldn’t do that if it wasn’t the best.

Sure, New York City is more crowded, but there’s enough upstate cow country that nobody wants to smell to lower the person per mile ratio to only about 1/3 of NJ. (They fail to mention that in their self-gratifying “I Love NY” bumper stickers.) 

People in Manhattan spend top dollar only to look across the waterline to see New Jersey. Idiots. New Jerseyans pay less money and get to look at the NYC skyline.  That sounds like a better deal to me. 

Why isn’t parmesan cheese a mandatory ingredient in chicken parmesan?

Chicken Parmesan requires 3 ingredients: Chicken, a tomato-based sauce, and mozzarella cheese. It’s often served without Parmesan cheese. This is silly. It should be called Chicken Mozzarella. 

Ice cream trucks move. Hot dog trucks don’t. 

If ice cream trucks can drive around peddling their goods, why can’t hot dog trucks follow the same business model?

How hard could it be to move hot hot dogs?  (No, that wasn’t a typo…I was describing the temperature of the hot dogs.) Sure, there’s the risk of maiming the driver with splashy boiling water, but sometimes in life, you have to take some risks.  Humans have found a way to build cars that drive themselves, but they haven’t developed the technology to transport hot dogs that aren’t cold. 

I want to run down the street screaming “Stop!!!!” while a hot dog truck plays an infinitely looping 15 second clip of the Oscar Mayer Wiener song.  Don’t take that dream away from me. 

I’ll beat kids at anything

Have you ever seen young kids playing sports?  They are pretty terrible at it.  I’m not good at any sport, but I’m confident that I could beat most of them without even practicing.  I like to beat kids at things because it’s good for my self esteem, while at the same time it helps them learn to become a more gracious loser in a ever-challenging world.  The next time you play a game against a kid, remember that by allowing them to lose you are strengthening their inner character, instead of contributing yet another failure to your already long list of disappointing life moments.  

You can ponder that thought as you deliver an atomic wedgie to the kid, solidifying their memory of the life lesson that you just taught them. 

Hockey players are better than soccer players

Before you get all uppity, rest assured that I don’t really care about either sport, which makes me less biased on the subject than you are.

If you haven’t already noticed, hockey and soccer are essentially the same game, except hockey players are much better at scoring goals, despite the fact that it’s much easier to score a goal in soccer. 

Even though soccer was invented first, let’s use hockey as our control, and focus on the variations needed to change it into soccer.  I.e. Take hockey and:

1. Change the tiny puck that you can barely see on TV into a highly visible ball.

2. Take the 6 feet by 6 feet hockey goal and make it 2 feet higher and 2 feet wider. No, wait. Just to be ridiculous, let’s make 18 feet wider. That’s 4 times the width and twice as high…literally 8 times the scoring area.  That should make it easier to score. 

3. Switch to less restrictive clothing, including removing padding on the goalie, rendering the goalie even smaller in proportion with the goal.

4. Remove the backbreaking hard ice (a terrible tripping hazard) and replace it with soft grass.  Even go so far as to put little spikes on the bottom of everyone’s shoes to keep them from tripping over their own stupid feet as they walk. 

5. Remove the burden of carrying a stick. 

6. Increase the number of people on each team trying to score goals from 5 to 10, yet still keep only a single goalie. 

7. Replace fans with lunatics that launch post-game attacks on the players if they screw up, strongly incentivizing players to not make mistakes.

All of those changes were made to ensure that more goals are scored in soccer than hockey. Unfortunately, it hasn’t seemed to work, proving that hockey players are better. 

Before you try making the counter argument that soccer is better because the lower scores mean that soccer goalies are better than hockey goalies, remember that most of the players are not goalies.  Hence, it would be absurd to generalize the athletic ability of the players by focusing on only a small subset of them. 

Soccer is basically a softball version of hockey played in funny socks. 

Why don’t we eat lions?

Why are lions the king of the jungle?  It is because they eat the other animals?  Big deal.  So do humans.  This is a title that could easily be taken by someone if they had the drive and the desire.  

Eat a lion.  Be king of the jungle.

Organic Dry Cleaning

I don’t care if your Dry Cleaning place is organic. I’m not going to eat my clothes.