Celebrate gravy this Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, lets take a year off from celebrating thanks for the hardships endured by the pilgrims. It’s safe to say that we would have found America by now anyway, and maybe if we didn’t jump the gun on settling here, we would be breathing in 50 years or so less pollution today. Besides, people with buckles in their hats shouldn’t be taken that seriously anyway.

I’d also like to guide you passed the traditional praising of the turkey. Instead, you should be focused on thanking the real star of the show…gravy. Gravy is what transforms otherwise inedible white meat turkey into a palatable party in your mouth. Gravy adds spunk to both mashed potatoes and stuffing, and without it, Thanksgiving dinner would have as much moisture as a bowl of dry cereal. So this Thanksgiving, lets not be thankful for the turkey itself, but for its poor eating habits that result in excess baggage that will eventually melt off into a pool of brown ecstasy.