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The Perfect Rap Song

June 17, 2009

Over the years, I have only been subjected to popular rap music (I’ll use the term “music” loosely here), so everything that I know about the genre must be exactly what it takes to make a hit. I’ve been unintentionally listening to rap in malls, school dances, bars, and “Now That’s What I Call Music” commercials, since rap was invented in the mid-80’s by Will Smith. Untainted by useless hip hop album filler and unpopular artists, my head is now a database of material that is nothing less than a gold ticket to success.

Hence, I’ve compiled a list of the traits necessary to create a successful rap song. Below, you’ll find some guidelines and if you manage to include them all into a single song, it’ll surely be “the shiznitz.” (Not sure what that means, but I hear it’s good.) It is imperative that you include each and every of the 20 suggestions below, as leaving just one out could open up an opportunity for someone else to compose a more successful song.

1. Include content that describes how you are the original gangsta’ and how the others (it isn’t necessary to specify who the others are) are just playin’/trippin’/imitatin’. Elaborate on the feelings of self confidence and happiness that being a gangsta’ brings you. References to specific points of being a gangsta’ in your adolescent years will provide evidence that you are qualified and have the proper experience.

2. Definitely work in some material about how and why all the ladies want you and not the other guy.

3. Cite by name a particular weapon and an alcoholic beverage that you are partial to. Specify makes and models as if you were a compensated endorser for the products.

4. Discuss the widely accepted theories of (money > female dogs) and ((bros OR homies) > female dogs). Bonus points for discussing the often avoided and controversial topic of whether or not money is more important than bros or homies.

5. The music must be primarily electronic. If any organic instruments are used, the melodies must be constricted to no more than 9 notes, must utilize a traditional diatonic or chromatic scale (anything more interesting than that will make common people’s heads explode), and must be repeated until the point of annoyance.

6. At some point during the song, it would be beneficial to include a sample from a former movie or TV theme/song. Something from the early 80’s would be preferable, and singing children are optional, but encouraged.

7. Include a 3 sentence (minimum) description about the difficulties and hardships you’ve experienced while pimpin’. Describe what actions you’ve taken in the past to keep your employees in line.

8. Open the song with a gunshot and simulated holdup of a bank or convenience store. A stern and convincing proclamation of the word “motherf—r” is highly suggested.

9. Have another person double the last syllable of every line to emphasize the fact that the last word in each phrase is always the most important one.

10. Use one of the following: “izzle”, “izzo”, “izz-ah”, or “izz-ay”. Choose only one, as no extra credit will be given for using all four.

11. The title of the song must have at least one misspelling. Suggestions are changing “s” to “z”, adding an additional “g” to words that already end in one “g”, or changing the conjunction “and” to “n'”.

12. Introduce the fact that due to your personal integrity and ethics, you cannot falsely state that you do not like big butts.

13. All of the following terms must be used at some point during the song: “dogg”, “fo” (used in place of the English word “for”), “props”, and “street cred”. Bonus points for any word shortened to only its prefix, thus yielding a highly ambiguous abbreviation that sounds like it was created by an illiterate. (Example: The word “dis” is short for “disrespect”.)

14. The chorus must feature a female sounding vocal melody consisting only of “ooh”, “ah”, “sha”, or “la”. Again, we are looking for simple and repetitive.

15. Increase presidential awareness by including a reference to American currency based on the president associated with the denomination of your choice. If you want to be cutting edge, I suggest being the first person to rap about Martin Van Buren, who according to Wikipedia was released on a special U.S. one dollar coin on November 13, 2008. You can state that others (again, no need to state who the others are) are only earning “Martin Van Burens” while you’re getting paid “Woodrow Wilsons” referring, of course, to the $100,000 Gold Certificate Series of 1934.

16. Create your own word that describes how you as a whole or a featured body part tastes delicious. Example: elbowlicious

17. Include at least two adjacent sentences that rhyme with each other simply because they end in the same exact word.

18. The bridge should contain a melodic line with clearly discernible lyrics that profoundly and passionately state something that is neither important nor interesting by nature.

19. Refer either to “Compton” or “N.Y.C.” but not both. State affiliation with “East Coast” or “West Coast” accordingly.

20. Include insulting statements about at least one competing rapper and one miscellaneous, unprovoked celebrity who didn’t see it coming.

Follow the above rules, and start counting those Woodrow Wilsons.

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From → Theories

One Comment
  1. Faith permalink

    Brilliant! I think we should write a rap song following all these guidelines. It would give us something productive to do during the work day.

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