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Hockey players are better than soccer players

January 4, 2017

Before you get all uppity, rest assured that I don’t really care about either sport, which makes me less biased on the subject than you are.

If you haven’t already noticed, hockey and soccer are essentially the same game, except hockey players are much better at scoring goals, despite the fact that it’s much easier to score a goal in soccer. 

Even though soccer was invented first, let’s use hockey as our control, and focus on the variations needed to change it into soccer.  I.e. Take hockey and:

1. Change the tiny puck that you can barely see on TV into a highly visible ball.

2. Take the 6 feet by 6 feet hockey goal and make it 2 feet higher and 2 feet wider. No, wait. Just to be ridiculous, let’s make 18 feet wider. That’s 4 times the width and twice as high…literally 8 times the scoring area.  That should make it easier to score. 

3. Switch to less restrictive clothing, including removing padding on the goalie, rendering the goalie even smaller in proportion with the goal.

4. Remove the backbreaking hard ice (a terrible tripping hazard) and replace it with soft grass.  Even go so far as to put little spikes on the bottom of everyone’s shoes to keep them from tripping over their own stupid feet as they walk. 

5. Remove the burden of carrying a stick. 

6. Increase the number of people on each team trying to score goals from 5 to 10, yet still keep only a single goalie. 

7. Replace fans with lunatics that launch post-game attacks on the players if they screw up, strongly incentivizing players to not make mistakes.

All of those changes were made to ensure that more goals are scored in soccer than hockey. Unfortunately, it hasn’t seemed to work, proving that hockey players are better. 

Before you try making the counter argument that soccer is better because the lower scores mean that soccer goalies are better than hockey goalies, remember that most of the players are not goalies.  Hence, it would be absurd to generalize the athletic ability of the players by focusing on only a small subset of them. 

Soccer is basically a softball version of hockey played in funny socks. 

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From → Sports/Games

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