Skip to content

How’s it going?

When someone says “How’s it going?”…often times, the other person responds “It’s going!”…following it with a smirk as if they have created something new and clever. Let’s all promise to stop doing this.



I’m pretty sure that we can just kill all the bugs in the world and nothing bad would happen. For once in my life, I’d like to eat a sandwich outdoors and be the only thing eating it.

Sure, environmentalists would complain, but they never seem to like change. If they get upset, we can remind them that plankton are still around and at the rate they are eaten, they must be pretty tasty.

Let’s just get rid of bugs and deal with whatever environmental consequences it causes. Then we can get rid of spiders, as I’ve never heard a pro-spider argument that wasn’t centered around “Well, they eat the bugs.” If it doesn’t work out, we can always just put them all back and pretend this conversation never happened.

Hot musicals

Have you ever noticed that every musical that comes out is “the hottest musical on broadway?” I guess each one is incrementally hotter than the previous. My plan is to skip them all and only watch the very last one ever created in order to ensure maximum hotness.

To Do

Nothing frees up your day like having your phone erase your To Do list.

Stealing candy

Stealing candy from your kids is awesome because you can justify your actions by stating that candy is not healthy for them. It’s a win-win.


I’ve decided to call the sand smoothing tractors at the beach Sandbonis.

I’m getting tired of stirring fruit on the bottom yogurt

I know that you are trying to prove to me that you contain an adequate amount of quality fruit, but you don’t have to do that each and every time. It’s been years since we first met, and I trust you at this point. Why must we dance this dance at every morning meal?

While I commend you for having the honesty and transparency that a hot dog lacks, I beg you to take our relationship to the next level. Please come pre-stirred, and I promise to never doubt the integrity of your fruit, and to not compare you to the lesser brands that already come that way.